Dearest Queen Gracie,
First of all, I must tell you I have admired you from a far for
many years. I know I will never be so honored as to have you look
down your long beautiful nose at me, but I can still dream.
I am so happy to learn of your new advice column. I know you will
have great success with your new column and will never allow the
humans to take advantage to your good and charming nature. I have
recently found myself in a very humiliating situation and I desperately
need your great and always humble iggy wisdom.
I realize you would never think to pee anywhere but the most royal
of places, so this all may be hard for you to understand. I, however,
am perfectly comfortable with occasionally lifting my leg in places
the humans are not very appreciative of. I actually take great
delight in doing it, as I like to see them get a little upset.
Well, here is the situation:
I was thrilled to discover my humans had put a chamber pot floor
level for my own personal use. With the sub zero temperatures
outside and mounds of snow everywhere, it was only logical to
think the lovely Lenox China Dish was my own personal pee pot.
Nope! Turns out I was wrong. They took pictures of my mistake
and they sent them all over the Internet to friends, family, and
strangers around the world.
I am humiliated by the whole incident. My iggy sister is a cruel
beast! She has taken this opportunity to laugh at me each chance
she can and she always swoops in to grab treats that used to me
for me. My iggy brother Pepie has been very supportive and a offers
the only helping paw I can turn to. My humans are threatening
taking me to court for damages to that dish. I promise you my
Royal and Dearest Queen Gracie I did not damage that dish.
Embarrassed, Afraid, and Tired of Winter,
Farfalle in CT
(p.s. I have attached photos of 1. current Connecticut DREADFUL
weather conditions making the idea of piddling outdoors UNTHINKABLE
2. my handsome, innocent and charming self 3. the chamber pot...uh
Lenox dish complete with piddle and 4. my laughing sister Sweet
The Royal We is shivering in her shoes just thinking about all
that painful, excruciating and horrendous white stuff. As you
know we are currently residing in Our sunny Florida Royal Palace.
Anyway...here is some guaranteed advice:
1. Send a certified registered letter to Mrs. Sue and THE Turkey.
Give them two choices for future piddle placement: A. on the furniture
or B. in the Lenox Chamber Pot. They can take their pick.
2. Ask Sirius S. Lewis, Esq. Canine Shyster...er Attorney at Law
to start legal proceedings against both your parents. As a result
of those malicious pix that were sent nearly EVERYWHERE you suffered:
A. humiliation B. hurt feelings C. stomach distress and D. neck
whiplash. This is your chance to make a killing for at least 1,000
3. As for Sweet Pea...OFF WITH HER HEAD!!! On second thought...you
better forgive her. From what I hear your Mom is considering the
possible adoption of a Pomeranian. She thinks they're "cute".
We shudder at the very thought. Whatever you do...keep Sweet Pea
alive, well and still laughing. Believe me...there is WORSE than
Sweet Pea. THE LAST thing you need is the disgrace of a Pom sister!!!!
Following the above advice will guarantee you good health, good
looks and LOTS of treats!!!
Your GREYT Queen Gracie